Humorous lectures given by Bernhard Thalheim
In traditional last term lectures a humorous lecture is given. This tradition spans
the entire lecturing work of B. Thalheim since the first course has been given in
1979. The intend of such lectures is to show that life exists beside the science currently taught.
Engineers similar to mathematicians usually get a restricited view on the world and their own doings.
The world is much richer, more contradicting and more interesting. The selection of
lectures presented below is in German. English, Russian and Arabic lectures are outdated and thus
Futhermore, a seria of conference dinner speaches has been given such as:
- "The computer scientist acts similar to a locust"
the animal world of humans
Lecture given at February 8, 1995
mathematicians as ants
taxonomies of computer scientists and the locust
seven plagues are foreseen in the Bible ...
- "The internet is either the database
of Ivan the Horrible oder the next trial to build the Babylonian tower"
why the cyberspace does not save the world
Lecture given at February 14, 1997
the internet as a caricature of commercial tv
humanless communication in the internet
schools to the net - a lie of politicians
information versus knowledge, data, news and whisdom
T.S. Eliot asked in 'The Rock' (1934):
the internet is a misdesigned information system
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
Now we add two questions:
Where is the information we have lost in data?
Where is the data we have lost in news?
the internet as the last vengeance of Ivan the Horrible
- "The university law on cow management"
the inevitable necessity for a law on how to keep cows in universities
Lecture given at July 7, 1997
first implementations of the German cow law frame at the BTU Cottbus
tasks and roles of cows
lectures with experiments on cows
the administration is the competent partner of cows
laws on government officials for cows
organizational rules for cows
- "The computer scientist considered to be a human"
the computer scientist in the society
Lecure given at February 8, 1998; english version as after dinner speech, NLDB'99, June, 18, 1999, Klagenfurt
the computer scientist by the side of the society
the computer scientist in his society
the computer scientist as a scandal
- "The gold rush for computer scientists"
the gold rush environment of the computer scientist
Lecture given at July 6, 1998
Dawson City for computer scientists
the next gold rush is coming
what will remain after the gold rush
memories on the future
- "The computer scientist considered to be a paper rubish producer"
the necessity of publishing
Lecture given at February 16, 1999
publish publishing or perish
publish and never read other people papers
how to design unreadable papers
engineering papers are similar to the work of architects - rarely someone cares
how to write a paper which is complete nonsense and is accepted in top conferences
selling papers is the main business
computer science is passing away because of unseriousity
- "The computer scientist at the
we are experienced but we do not learn
Lecture given at February 10, 2000
computers as the ruling infrastructure component
whenever you are in the database then thank the mafia boss
untruth's that help us
computer crises in variants
- "The computer scientist shocked by the
help us - industry has discovered the computer engineer
Lecture given at July 12, 2000
we are coming industry!!
we are sold
we cannot help against stupidity
computer scientists forever
- "BSE? BSE!
Haben wir doch alle! Auch wir Informatiker!
Is there BSE outside of cows?
Lecture given at July 3, 2001
BSE - what is that?
Persitency of BSE
BSE within the software
CSE - Computer Spongiforme Enzephalopathie
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